Love always, Clary
by GottaLoveTheSun
Summary: Inspired by the film Love, Rosie. Broken hearted Clary writes letters to her ex boyfriend Jace over months, showing that she can move on without him. She has to learn to live without him, as does he. Will she go on to lead a separate life or will the love between them be strong enough to reunite them? Rated T for mild swearing
1. 4th May

**A/N: Love always, Clary**

 **This was inspired by the film Love Rosie and PS I Love You. I'm not usually one for sappy love stuff but I was in the mood for it so I started writing this. I actually had a Malec version of something like this but I deleted it (it was called Letters from the Past if any of you guys read it).**

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Chapter 1: Monday 4th May, 2015

Dear Jace,

I fucking hate you.

God, I hope you know that. Simon told me that if I keep this much rage bottled up inside me I will explode and told me to write this letter and do that thing where you just don't send it. Yeah, like that'll happen, maybe I'll just send it so you'll finally stop bothering me and get the fucking hint.

"It'll make you feel better" Simon said, well he better be right because I am pretty fucking pissed at you and I don't think I can go another night crying myself to sleep. It's the only way I can cope at the moment.

Why, Jace? I thought you really loved me and then you turned around and broke my fucking heart. I gave you everything you could possibly want, was that not enough for you?

I'm sitting here on my bed trying to draw or sketch or, hell, even write something but all I can seem to think about is you, you're like a bug that's ridden my brain, I've thrown away all drawings and painting that I have ever done of you, it's too much of a reminder of you.

I'm sick of it, I'm sick of you and everything you did. I'm sick of every tiny thing that reminds me of you.

Nowadays, it looks like my algebra homework is getting more attention than my art, which is saying a lot considering it was getting zero attention any time before now. That seems to be the only thing that takes my mind off of you, it's the only thing that keeps me concentrated long enough to forget you, and then I'll just forget why I needed to forget you. I sound like a Taylor Swift song, Jesus Christ. If I keep this up I'll definitely get my grade up in this less, at least my mom will be happy about that.

I changed my walking route home from school because that ice cream shop reminds me of our first date and the swing set in the park across of it of our first kiss. It's funny how I thought once they were good memories now all I want to do is cry when I see them, that and punch you in the gut,

I'm so tired of crying over you, I want to get over you, Jace Herondale. No, I _need_ to get over you.

I wish you would stop sending Isabelle and Alec to talk to me. I preferred Isabelle when she was angry at you and I don't know what you did to get her to be so nice to you again but I don't like it one bit. You know, I actually high fived her when she told me she punched you in the nose, I prayed that she broke it. Now she's begging me to stay in a room with you long enough to talk to me. I should've expected that since she's known you a hell of a lot longer than me.

You're not making it easy to avoid you as well, you always hang around my locker and you wait for me outside class and I don't know how many times I've had to tell you but I want it to stop. I want you to go away, that statement seems to be the only thing I can make come out of my mouth recently.

Luke, well Mr Garroway to you now, told me that you told him that you wanted to meet up with me tomorrow "to explain". I can't believe you stooped that low to make your history teacher send me a message.

Explain what, Jace?

There's so much that I want to say to you but I don't even know how to put half of them into words. Maybe this is what I get for trusting you so easily, but god I wanted you to love me so bad.

Did you even mean it? When you told me you loved me, did you actually love me or did you only tell me what I wanted to hear?

There is nothing left to be said Jace, you are ruining my life and I want it to stop.

Fuck you,

Clary

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 **A/N: There is the first chapter, tell me what you think, this one is a little shorter since it is the first but I do have a couple of other chapters on this and I started writing this on the date at the top and I've gotten up to today's date. Do you want to see the rest of it?**


	2. 5th May

Chapter 2: Wednesday 5th May

Dear Jace,

I've blocked your number and I've convinced Luke to move me away from you in history. It's not much but enough to keep you at arm's length. I started eating outside with my brother; I knew what you happen if you would get me alone, you would convince me that I'm delusional and that "nothing happened".

I know what I saw Jace.

Jonathan will kick your ass if you come even ten meters from me; he's the only person I can trust right now. Even Simon goes blabbing all of this to Isabelle who then in turn tells you. I can't have some carousel system of friends. They can either be friends with me or with you.

I will have to have that conversation with Simon later on today when he comes around for our movie marathon. It's probably unfair of me to do that to him but he can't play messenger anymore and I need to know he's going to be there for me when you decide to butt in again.

My mom tells me I'm being rude to you, I could be rude though, I could be actually sending you these letters. Then you would finally feel what I've been feeling for weeks.

When school comes to an end this year I will be going down to visit my dad for the majority of the holidays, his new girlfriend Lillith is actually really sweet to me and I don't mind so much spending time away from everyone. It's a well needed break, if you ask me.

I'm not sure if Jon is coming with me this time; he doesn't get along with Valentine that much. They've been going through a rough patch recently, I think it's because they don't agree about where he's going to college but they won't tell me.

Either way, it means I get away from you and that's all I need.

From

Clary

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 **A/N: This is just another hate letter, it improves after this, I promise.**

 **I don't usually update this quickly it's more on a weekly basis but I like to the first couple of chapters up quickly so you guys have some actual sort of story line to look forward too.**

 **By the way thank you to everyone who reviewed, faved, followed. Love you lots xx**

 **Read and review xox**


	3. 1st June

Chapter 3: June 1st

Dear Jace,

You've stopped bugging me now. I don't know if I'm happy or sad about that yet. You were very persistent, I'll give you that.

June is finally here though, which probably means you've been spending all this time studying for our exams plus you've got your sport stuff to keep you busy, which means I haven't seen you very much. Last week was the first soccer I've missed in years, all because I didn't want to see you. Jon said he understood but I still think he's upset about it, I've done my best to make up for it with some stuff it looks like I will have to try harder.

God, you're still ruining my life without even trying. Don't you get sick of doing that?

I've been slowly dropping off my stuff at my dad's recently; he's taken a couple of weeks off in the summer so we can do some "father-daughter bonding" which I don't really mind. I don't get to see enough of him because of school and the fact he lives three train rides away from me doesn't help but I guess I've gotten used to it. He's let me decorate the guest room in his new house with his girlfriend, Lillith, into my room. I'm still not sure about Jon; he says he wants to stay in there with you guys, one last goodbye with all of his friends before he goes off to college. I guess I forgot that we had a friendship between all of us once and that our breakup really was a damper it.

Speaking of friends, Simon stopped talking to me back when I told him to choose sides, can't say that I didn't see that coming. Guess our nerdy little friendship means nothing when you have a girlfriend you'd rather be with. He said that I don't trust him enough and if I was going to act like a child he wouldn't talk to me, god he sounded just like Jocelyn.

Finals just seems to be an excuse to not hang out with everyone now, I spend all my school time in the library studying and at home I seem to be locked away in my room studying as well. If I pull out some good grades it would definitely be worth all this seclusion; one thing to cross of Jocelyn's list to nag about to me.

Sometimes I wish everything could go back to how it was. Back when everything was so easy. Now we're finishing junior year and planning what we want to do in the future. It's too much stress and surprisingly these letters seem to be my only let out.

Like a journal I suppose.

I crave for those moments when we just laid on the grass in the park in a comfortable silence just staring up at the stars. That was a beautiful day.

Just saying, I still have the first letter and at one point was considering sending it to you but you haven't been that much of a pain recently so I shouldn't punish you like that.

I would like to say I hope we can stay friends but I really don't want that. I am very aware of how much a bitch I sound.

From

Clary

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 **A/N: I don't remember how I spelt Lillith? It keeps changing which is super annoying. I started writing this fic on my phone which is why the chapters are shorter than I usually write.**

 **I do try and lengthen them once I put it on my laptop but I can never put things in that fit and it doesn't seem to flow. That's the problem with writing in letter form too; I see this as a challenge**

 **Read and review xx**


	4. 2nd July

Chapter 4: July 2nd

Dear Jace

Turns out you and your family are spending the summer at your lake house along with Isabelle's family. Guess it wouldn't have mattered if I stayed for the summer or not then.

Jon has finally decided to come stay with our dad for a couple of weeks less than me, though he doesn't admit it he really misses Valentine and I hope he would keep an open mind about Lillith. It's a little hypocritical, I think, that he accepts Luke but is mad at Valentine for moving on. But I guess in his eye, if they're both moving on there's no way they can get back together. The perks of being with divorced parents, constant fighting.

I'm currently unpacking my suitcase that I brought with me, it's only a small one since I brought the other stuff weeks ago. I think dad wants this to be a split situation so I can spend more time with him during the school year. I've only got senior year left anyway, after I move to college I won't be seeing any of my parents (plus Luke and Lillith) that much except for holidays.

I'm feeling less and less angry at you right now that might be because I've finally finished a drawing since we broke up but I feel almost at peace, emphasising on the word almost. It was a picture I drew on the train ride here, nothing to intricate, a small rose in a glass case, similar to the one in that Disney film. I definitely had a lot of time to think while I was on my way here.

I don't think I could ever forgive you for cheating on me but I don't think I could hate you for the rest of my life either. You know me; I'm not the kind of person who could hold a grudge for very long, despite what I may say. Forgiving is not easy when you're still hurting.

Lillith is really nice, as I've mentioned previously, she helped me decorate my room here. She bought me a bunch of acrylic paint and told me I could design anything I wanted on these bare walls because "someone with as much talent as you cannot contain them in books alone". I love her, she's pretty young too, for my father I mean, I think she's around 34 (ish) which is like nearly six years younger than Valentine.

She can bake really well; she owns a bakery store just around the corner from here, that's how my dad and she met. He went there from a grumpy day at work and she cheered him with one of her infamous cupcakes. I don't really remember the whole story but it was equally cheesy and romantic. I'm not exactly in the mood for romance recently.

I am glad to see my dad happy, he took the divorce pretty hard and the fact that mom moved on even harder. He smiles more now that she's around; it's a refreshing sight to see.

He brought up your name just before I started unpacking, told me that he will "shoot of your kneecaps" if you ever came close to me again. His words, not mine.

I don't think that's necessary though, we can learn to keep our distance. Its selfish of me to think that you won't move on but, hey, you had no trouble sucking a girls face while we were together I don't think that it'll be any harder now that you're single. In fact, I bet you have a whole queue of girls outside your doorstep right this moment.

Is it crazy of me to think that this is all one mad dream and I'm going to wake up to your arms wrapped around me like that time after we first had sex?

Yes, yes it is.

After a while I stopped blaming myself for not being good enough. I hope we can both move on from this.

Have a great summer,

From

Clary

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 **A/N: Thanks for the reviews, they mean a lot. I might increase my uploads from once a week to twice or three times a week.**


	5. 27th July

Chapter 5: July 27th

Dear Jace,

This has probably been one of the most entertaining summers ever. I even forgot about writing you until Valentine accidently brought up your name last night at dinner. Maybe sometime I will actually send these to you, just for the sake of it.

Anyway, I have big news. Valentine and Lilith asked me to move in! Isn't that great? There's a local college here that I've applied to, early admissions of course, and if I have enough credit to graduate by the end of this year I can totally go there. They have a really cool creative studies department and it'll be my official backup plan if I can't get any scholarships. I mean they are dead hard to get anyway and this way none of my parents will feel guilty.

Valentine is already paying for Jon's tuition next year since he didn't get a football scholarship and that's what they had been fighting over for the past few weeks. Jon isn't the greatest fan of Valentine and that is mostly because they didn't handle the divorce well when it came to us, you know this story. But dad has a college fund enough for one child and he realized he had been relying pretty heavily on the fact that Jon will get that scholarship.

Anyhow, Jon was furious at Valentine because he was pressuring him to go to a college with a good law department, guess dad wants someone to carry on the family job. But Jon wants to go to some school with this good sports department. At one point the argument got so heated that Jon packed up his bags and went back to mom and Luke. So he's staying there now. Jocelyn will let him choose whatever school he wants, if he plays the guilt trip well. No doubt that will get heated between my parents but oh well, what can you do about that?

Isabelle has kept me pretty updated about your guys summer, sends me pictures and everything, as if the ones on her Instagram isn't enough. I can't help but notice that girl on your arm in the most recent one, for a second I felt jealous but I just hope she can deal with your cheating ass.

I'm sorry, I should probably stop with these snarly comments about you but I can't help it.

Was Kaelie really worth it? Was she a good fuck? Assuming you guys continued after I left. I know all about guys having their "needs" but that wasn't an excuse. Isabelle tells me you have a legit excuse for cheating on me, but what I saw that night was really clear to me.

It reminds me of the day I first moved in freshman year and you got caught in an empty classroom with Aline. Well, the joke was one you because two months after that she came out of the closet. I guess that should've been a massive warning sign for me, big neon letters that should've said 'don't trust the player'.

But you were different than I expected, I did expect the charm but not the niceness or the sweetness that came along after it. I think that was one of the things that attracted me to you, that and your gorgeous golden eyes. You told me the first thing that attracted you to me was my shyness with "rare moments of boldness". I think that's what you said anyway.

I've tried to forget about you, honestly, but I've got to accept it, you were a lesson that I had to learn. Don't trust people.

Congratulations, I never want to trust anyone in my life again.

From

Clary

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 **A/N: I am going to do some from Jace's POV but I want to name the chapters something different, I've got two names:**

 **Jace Diaries**

 **or**

 **Jace Chronicles: Diary entry [#]**

 **Which one is better?**


	6. 3rd September

Chapter 6: September 3rd

Dear Jace,

I have actually decided to finish my studies at the college I was talking about; they were so impressed with my current grades that they took me on pretty early. It also means that I have to move in permanently with dad and Lillith but I don't mind.

Mom obviously didn't take this well, caused this massive argument in his house and everything. I'm pretty sure if we had any neighbours around us then they would've called the police on us. Mom and Luke ended up storming off in a fit of rage. At least mom did, Luke came back and apologised for her behaviour. She doesn't pick up my phone calls very often anymore; I think she feels betrayed that I picked a side. But Luke does and I am happy about that, he's really nice, I've always appreciated that quality in him

No one knows that I've actually moved so unless Luke tells you all then you guys will be left in the blue. I am sorry about that, it's just easier, and you know I don't do goodbyes. Plus I saw your Face book status, you are officially in a relationship with Kaelie or "the slut" as Lilith kindly puts it. She's been helping me a lot to move on from you, who knows maybe it will work. She seems optimistic enough about it so I guess it has worked with her in the past.

You guys start school tomorrow and I'm not sure what you'll guys think when I'm not there. I mean, I haven't exactly been social with you, in the summer I was sent one, maybe two, emails to Isabelle and that was it. Even at school I stopped talking to you guys, mainly because you were there all the time but I haven't exactly been a good friend. Maybe you'll think "good riddance".

But it's okay, I can make new friends, high school was never meant to last forever, neither are relationships, I suppose. I hope now that I don't have to see you that I can send these letters to you because I really want you to know that I'm okay.

Tell you what, I will send you this one with a reply address and if you want me to, I will send all of them to you. But I do warn you a lot of them are angry words about you, so don't be surprised when you read them, you really did hurt me.

Please don't send me back an apology or some stupid explanation at what you did. I just want to know if I can keep writing to you. Maybe that will help me to move on.

If you think it's stupid then don't reply to me and I'll stop these completely. I'm sending this right now so I don't regret it.

From

Clary

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 **A/N: I've actually written ahead for this story, I just finished c.10 for this.**

 **I am very ill atm otherwise I would've uploaded sooner - sorry for any spelling mistakes too i haven't had the chance to proof read it properly.**

 **Is it spelt Lillith of Lilith? I don't really know and i cba to look it up right now. Anyway you guys are awesome and I hope you enjoy this update**

 **Read and review xx**


	7. 5th November

Chapter 7: November 5th

Dear Jace,

Thank you for allowing me to send you the letters, I'm also glad that you didn't send the explanation and that it was a second hand message from Izzy. It was short so I'm guessing she's angry at me too.

I might just continue these just for you. I've changed my number because Valentine bought me a new phone for a very, very early Christmas present. I haven't decided to use it yet. Somehow I think cutting off contact from all of you guys completely is a little but harsh but I've heard that sometimes a clean slate is just what you need and that's what I'm doing.

I met some really cool people here, there's this girl called Maia who's really nice to me and her boyfriend Jordan reminds me a lot of Jon, maybe it's because of their love of soccer but either way he treats me like a little sister. Actually they all treat me like a little sister, considering I'm at least a year younger than all of them. There are a couple of other really nice people that I've met in my art class and in general, they're really cool.

Luke keeps me updated all about you guys, he's really making an effort to keep this messed up family together and he even got Jocelyn to talk to me. She's better now I guess, tells me she misses me and wants me back home. Christmas should be very entertaining for all of us. Hopefully by then all the adults would have matured enough to make a sensible decision.

But there was a break around Halloween and I really wanted to come around to see how you all are doing. I will miss the dressing up and Halloween parties over there though, oh, and Isabelle dragging us to every single costume store that ever exists to find "the one".

If I recall, that one time she accidently switched the bags between yours and mine costume that I ended up with a 'Pirates of the Caribbean' one and you ended up with the 'Snow White' one. I never thought I would actually see you wear tights, slightly scarring for Isabelle's little brother, might I add.

I did attend a small Halloween party here, I say small but it was pretty big, I went as little red riding hood, the costume from last year, do you remember? You picked it out for me because the colour red matched my hair "exactly", but it is a few shades darker than my hair. But that might just be the artist in me, criticising everyone on stuff like this.

It was weird not knowing everyone there but it is something that I will have to get used to. Just like all the other changes in my life. This letter took a surprisingly depressing turn, wow.

I used to get jittery with hate talking about you but now it's this weird sort of calmness, I think I've mentioned that before. I can feel myself moving on, it's slow progress though. Lillith is very zen and has been helping me work through my emotions and my drawings have been getting better and better, when you look at them you can actually feel something. Most of it is anger, but some of my recent ones have been more content and peacefulness.

It is slow progress but I should be glad for anything my mindset can handle right now.

Love always,

Clary

PS. Your Halloween costume was pretty cool, can't go wrong with the Phantom of the Opera. Classic.

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 **A/N: I'm so glad you guys love this, it's so far the hardest Fanfiction I've written because letters are not something I'm used to doing.**

 **I know the chapters are short, if they are shorter chapter than I'll upload the next one within the next day or so and if they are longer I will just follow my usual uploading schedule. Jace's chapter is to be on chapter 10 if I remember correctly – look forward to that.**

 **Xxx**

 **Read and review :***


	8. 1st December

Chapter 8: December 1st

Dear Jace,

Happy Christmas month! I find that the month leading up to Christmas is actually a lot more exciting than Christmas day because there's so much to look forward to. Like the shops, Starbucks drinks, bakeries, the present shopping. OK, I know I hate shopping but Christmas shopping is a _massive_ exception. I remember what I bought you last year. It was that photo album, the French one I think it said something cheesy in the front like 'my memories that I hold dearly to me', I knew how much you loved photography, and I hope that's something you pursue because you are genuinely good at it.

I really miss you guys; I spent the whole day crying over everything I left behind, pathetic right? It's not the relationship I missed, I meant it when I said I was starting to move on, but I miss my friends. I miss how we all hung out at Taki's and had all those inside jokes with each other, that's not just something you can replace with shiny new friends.

Turns out Jonathan and I are spending Christmas at Jocelyn's as well as Valentine and Lilith. It was a compromised situation for everyone to be under one roof, a nice big happy family. That will be scary. My Christmas break starts on the 18th so I might stay with Jocelyn up until I start school again, that way I get to catch up with Jon as well as Mum and Luke. Despite how much hate I spew about her she is, and will always be, my mother.

Isabelle sends me some updates about you guys, and some of the emails do contain her outfits of the nights so I guess that means she's not as angry with me anymore? I do hope she continues with them, sometimes the only thing that keeps my days going is her precious little smile. She doesn't mention much about you; in fact she avoids talking about anyone else in detail apart from herself and Alec. Is that because you guys asked her not to or because she's trying to be polite?

Would it be okay if I came over and gave you all presents when I come round? I mean I could totally just get mom to pass them off to Maryse, if that's what you're comfortable with, I wouldn't want to intrude to any of you.

I can hear Valentine calling me downstairs for dinner and I realise the original reason that I was writing today's letter. I started dating this really cute guy, I can't emphasize how hot he is on paper but he is pretty hot. Beside the point, I know you're somewhere happy with Kaelie and I'm okay with that, I'm just as capable of moving on as you are.

His name is Sebastian and we have been hanging out from about around Halloween and he officially asked me out about 3 weeks ago. I was considering on bringing him back home but it is way too soon to do the whole 'meet the parents' scenario. Lord knows how Valentine will take it let alone Jocelyn. Actually no, Jocelyn is pretty cool when it comes to me dating, it just Valentine I have to be careful around.

Anyway, we were at this small thanksgiving event for people who couldn't go home to visit their family so we all hung out around campus having our own little celebration, Valentine and Lilith were cool with me going as long as we had our own celebration beforehand, anyway it doesn't really mean much to Lillith since she's not American. A couple of my other friends were there like Jordan and Maia whose family live on like the other side of the country, turns out they even went to the same high school and both moved to the same college to be with each other, absolutely adorable. So Sebastian and I got put on dessert duty and we both found out very quickly that we are not born to be cooks or bakers. We made this chocolate, well something resembling chocolate, batter for some cake we were making then managed to spill it all over the floor.

Then me being clumsy as fuck slips in it and then Sebastian slips after trying to help me up and he landed nearly on top of me, but not enough to crush me, and then he kissed me. It was really sudden. I didn't really process it when it happened.

In the end we ended up ringing Lilith who brought over some cupcakes that everyone absolutely _adored_ , I should totally bring you over a batch you will just die and go to heaven after eating them. She is a truly amazing baker.

Have fun Christmas shopping with Isabelle this year

Love always,

Clary

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 **A/N: My original idea was to upload these on the dates at the top but lol i don't think anyone, especially me, would have the patience for that. The dates will just casually go into the future, no biggie.**

 **Read and review xxx**

 **What do you think happened between Jace and Kaelie, the real reason? Probs won't be told until the second entry of Jace's journal.**

 **BTW thanks to the peeps that told me the spelling of Lilith, LIFE SAVERS *MWAH***


	9. 31st December

Chapter 9: December 31st

Dear Jace,

I shouldn't have left writing this long; I thought you would notice that this one is typed up instead of handwritten like all the other ones. It's neater for one thing but also my hand is still in a really bad condition.

I don't know if you heard or not but just before Christmas break started a couple of us went last minute shopping. It was Jordan, Maia, Camille, Sebastian and me all in one car going to the local mall to buy whatever shopping we had left and maybe pick up some ugly Christmas sweaters on our way home. It was meant to be a fun time out for all of us before we left to go home to our families for the winter.

The road on the way there was icy and there was no way that we would have known since there was not any signs around about it. We skidded off the road and tumbled into a tree. Camille was the driving and she died on scene from the impact. Jordan, Maia, and Sebastian came out with a few scratches and bruises since the backseat didn't get much damage into it.

And me?

I was sitting in the front with Camille and got hit quite badly from the impact, or so they tell me. I crushed my hand, my leg, and got a few cracked ribs as well. They said I need intensive physical therapy to walk properly again, broke my leg in three different places, I don't care about my leg though, it's my hand I'm more worried about. I say the mysterious 'they' but I'm actually referring to the paramedics and doctors.

It's such a stupid thing to be worrying about, one of my friends practically died in front of me and all I care about is my stupid fucking hand.

The doctors said it won't be the same when it heals, it will most depend on how the recovery goes but I won't be able to draw or paint the same ever again, one of the dipshit nurses even said I should probably try another major.

What happens if I can never draw again, what else have I got going for me?

I can't do anything else; art is my life, something I've dreamed about pursuing ever since I held a paintbrush in my hand for the first time. I can't believe this is even happening. I should be optimistic but all these stupid thoughts keep surrounding my head until I can't breathe anymore.

The accident meant that I couldn't come home for Christmas because I had to spend it in the hospital, hence why I hasn't seen you, but Jocelyn, Luke, Valentine, Lilith, and Jonathan all came and sat around my little bed eating turkey sandwiches we bought from the crappy vending machines and Jocelyn helped Lilith sneak in some desserts and the presents where we all opened them in front of each other. I got a laptop, a new sketchbook, and a book that said 'how to be an annoying sister 101' delightfully from Luke, to Jon's dismay.

The last couple of months were rocky between all of us but that night was so sweet that I actually started crying with happiness. I wish everyday could be like that. As the night came to an end, Jonathan slept in the small chair in my room while my parents leaned up against opposite sides of the walls with their significant others chatting to each other. It was amazing that I wish I had a camera with me to capture the moment.

It will be another couple of months until I can come and visit back home but that's okay because right now I'm content with where I am. Even Sebastian is making me happy and I don't even remember how sad I was earlier this year.

Until next time, my friend

Love always,

Clary

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 **A/N: Only had the time to reply to some reviews, but thank you to all who have reviewed**

 **Anne Hunt: Thank you very much! I could just not remember what was written in the book but I have seen it written as both in Fanfiction. Thank you bby xx**

 **Guest: Clary is so nice to Jace because she wants closure and they were friends before they were in a relationship, more about that will be revealed in later chapters. I know it doesn't make much sense at the moment. Plus, she doesn't want to hear why Jace cheated on her because she wants closure**

 **Page1of365: You only have to wait for Jace's entry till next week!**

 **Ann's Krazy Obsession: Oh my god, you're adorable, I love you so much xxx**


	10. Jace Journals

Jace Journals: Entry 1

Chapter 10: January 2nd

Dear Clary,

I don't know how many times I've written to you and each time the letter manages to end up in the pile that's created at the bottom of my drawer. Maybe someday I'll share these with you like you have shared your thoughts with me. It is something I constantly look forward to. I do miss you, Clary. Whatever may have happened, I want you to remember that I never intended for you to get hurt.

I wanted to be the one who was there for you on your bedside, holding your hand while you slept in your hospital bed. I know how much you hate hospitals; I know what it reminds you of. Since it was the holidays, Maryse took us all to our cabin to spend a week over there otherwise I would've visited, maybe visited. It's not like you needed me anyway, you had this guy Sebastian with you all along, he deserves you Clary. He can give you something that in the end I never could, happiness.

You deserve a twenty five page essay of what I did to you, there's no excuse but I don't want to do this by writing, it isn't something that you should read in a dumb letter. I have something to explain to you Clary and it's not something I can easily talk about, it's a horrible mistake that I created. There are nights I dream about having you back in my arms, the way you lay your head on my chest is an image and feeling that I will hold dear to my heart. How cliché did that sound?

Do not worry about your hand, I know you, you are the strongest person on earth, if there's anyone who can charge through this, it you. And even if you can't draw or paint with your hand specifically there are ways that people have achieved doing this without any of their limbs. Don't lose faith because sometimes faith is the only this that can keep you going, and I don't mean that in a religious perspective, I mean belief in yourself.

I am happy for you that your family have gotten together again; I understand that you took it hard when your parents decided to get divorced. It took you a lot of trust for you to open up to me like that and I promise that I will never ever tell a soul about what you shared with me. Lilith sounds like a really good person, she does sound more like an older sister than a step mother (is it too soon to call her a step mother?).

Your Christmas present is still wrapped up near the Christmas tree, I had to move it since it was the last one there and Robert wanted to pack up the tree. He's leaving soon, another business trip, what a surprise. Internally, I'm actually kind of glad he's going, Maryse and he get in to so many disagreements, and it's getting ridiculous. Isabelle and Alec pretend like it's not even happening, I think inside they like to pretend that they still have this happy little suburban family and they want to keep up the front.

Enough about that though, I was starting to talk about your Christmas present. I had hoped that you would come back to stay with Jocelyn and Luke so that I could give it to you, you would have loved it. I didn't want to spoil it for you but I don't even know if I'm going to send this, so does it even matter if I mention it or not?

Its these stained glass sun catchers I found in the summer, they are the design of fish, ones that reminded me of the time we went to the aquarium and you refused to leave the blue fish because they were too 'beautiful and everyone keeps fucking ignoring them so I have to give them some love'. I'm quoting there.

Please come back sometime.

I'll be thinking of you,

Jace H.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you to all who reviewed, even though there weren't much of a response I still very much appreciate it. So I went with Jace Journals - I thought it was a nice name. I know a lot of you guys have questions and stuff which can be really hard to portray through letters and information comes through a lot slower than it would if it was a normal story. So y'all have to bare with me.**

 **If any of you guys have read my other work you'll know I HATE doing other POVs so I only do them occasionally, I think this one will be slightly more than I'm used to but still quite occasional.**

 **I would've written more but I've been pretty stumped with school work right now so I only wrote in a quick break I had**

 **Read and review xx**


	11. 14th Feburary

Chapter 11: February 14th

Dear Jace,

The infamous Valentine's Day is here.

Dad's trying to convince me that Valentine's Day was named after him because he is oh so mighty and romantic. If Lillith hadn't thrown that apple at him I might've done the same thing.

Lately things between me and Seb (Sebastian in case you forgot his name) have been a little rocky, there hasn't been much that we can do since I'm pretty handicapped at the moment, my leg means I have to sit wherever we go and I can barely use my hands so it rules out a lot of date ideas for the both of us. After a while I stopped crying over shit I can't do and I just stopped calling him. That was about two weeks ago, I thought he had given up on me.

But this morning he came into the house with a massive sign saying "I'm sorry for being such a douche bag" and a whole bunch of flowers and chocolates, you know, your cheesy holiday stuff, it's nothing intricate which I never expected since he's only a student who has to work a nearly full time job to pay his way through college. It's always nice and simple with him.

We won't get to go out tonight or this afternoon because I have a physical therapy session and that usually tires me out a lot. It is taking a lot more effort than I would expect to walk properly again, hell, I will even accept walking with crutches full time because I'm so sick of this stupid ass wheelchair.

I can barely go anywhere, I haven't been staying in my usual room, and instead Lillith converted the conservatory into my "temporary" bedroom until I can climb up stairs on my own again. I hate using the freaking wheelchair accesses around school and the worst thing is being asking me about my leg, as if I want to remember that night.

I can't block it out though, I know that much. Camille will always hold a dear place in my heart and there won't be a day that goes by that I won't remember her.

My therapist would be so proud of me for saying that right now. I guess I blamed the whole accident on myself, considering it was me who asked her to drive us shopping because she is the only one of us who has a car. And even though people were persistent in telling me that it wasn't it was still deep inside, like a little voice that blamed me for her death and all the suffering that her parents had to go through. It must be a horrible feeling, losing your only daughter like that.

Her funeral was calm, I was expecting massive crocodile tears from the students but that only happened at the reception after in which I missed because Valentine had to bring me back to the hospital on time. I feel like I should be more affected from her death like how I felt when we broke up, it was like there was a gaping hole in my heart or something. But the reality is that I didn't know her for very long and there are only a few memories of us having a fun time. Those are still special though, they will always be.

Anyway, tonight Valentine and Lilith have planned a night out for each other; it's nice that they do that for each other because the last couple of year's mom and dad were married were the most miserable years of their love lives. So it's great that they have someone to keep the romance alive. Also gross. But it's cute as well.

Isabelle is setting up a date to Skype pretty soon, considering I just set up my new laptop that I got for Christmas, did I forget to mention that? Hope that you could pop in and say hello as well, I would love to catch up some time

Love always,

Clary

* * *

 **A/N: Jace's chapter got a quite good response, thanks so much guys xx**

 **At the moment, I've been focusing on this story and one of my Vampire Academy stories which means my other current ones are on hold if anyone has been wondering because I can't seem to handle more than that with my school work, which I obviously prioritize over fanfiction.**

 **But yeah tell me what you guys think, I love to here what you have to say. And any advice with what I need to improve with this, apart from lengthening chapters, is very welcome as well, as long as they aren't rude af.**


	12. 26th March

Chapter 12: March 26th

Dear Jace,

Guess who is finally able to walk properly?! That's right, it took a lot of hard work and effort but I am so happy that I have been able to do this. I actually nearly threw my crutches out the window after I climbed up the stairs on my own. God, it just felt so freeing I loved it.

Tonight, the family went out to celebrate, it's a Saturday and Jon was back for the weekend so I literally couldn't pick a better time. He's been enjoying the college he's going to, I can't remember the name from the top of my head but I know that he's studying law and is on the football team in his school. Go sports! You would think after years of being dragged to soccer games I would know how to be a better cheerleader but nope.

We all went to this really cute restaurant not that far from the house that gives this massive plates of food, it was nearly as big as me. We don't usually do many family outings but from the sound of these letters I make it sound like we have a happy time every day, I wish it was like that, but sadly no. Luke and Jocelyn just made up from some stupid fight they've been having, I don't know what it was about but I think Luke wants mom to start up that gallery she's been dreaming about for years but she doesn't want to quit her current job. I don't know, they'll figure it out eventually.

Sebastian came and joined us for dinner too; he met Jocelyn and Luke for the first time tonight which went better than when I introduced him to Valentine. Valentine was angry at him per say, but he did ask a hell of a lot of questions. Jocelyn took a liking to him, they talked a lot, and it was friendly conversation rather than an interrogation which clearly showed each one of us that she was the cool parent out of all of them. She was very smug about the fact that Sebastian called her 'cool' right in front of everyone too; it will take years before she won't continuously rub that in our faces.

It's been nearly five months since Sebastian and I started dating, really weird how quickly time passes by. This time last year I was stuck in a boring standardised class and talking some nonsense with Magnus in the back, I'm probably thinking of Algebra. Lord, I still hate that subject.

I was kind of sad, to be honest, that I haven't had the chance to talk to you since I left. I've been chatting to Isabelle and Simon quite a bit recently. Looks like they're applying to the same colleges as each other, though you probably already know this, you see them more than me. I hope you vote them as the 'most unlikely couple to happen', it's probably the truest statement I've heard about their relationship. I'm guessing Simon will take up graphic design and animation as a major but I'm still debating whether Isabelle will go into fashion design or fashion retail.

College is difficult, not going to lie, I 'officially' graduated, I say graduated I mean I had enough credits to move on to start actual college. You are looking the new and improved Clary. Can you believe I'm a college girl?

I am taking fine arts and art history, my hand has been a little difficult with me while recovering but I haven't tried painting or drawing yet. I think some part of me is scared that it might not be the same after it's healed or whatever my therapist was psycho-babbling, as I like to call it.

I would love to hear from you, tell me all about the universities you're applying to and what you're thinking of studying. I'm sure whatever you pick you will be great at it. Sometimes I doubt if you get these letter because you never reply but Alec tells me you have but he doesn't know if you're reading them or not. Do you not want letters from me anymore? I won't take it personally, I promise. I know you probably have better things to do than hear me ramble out my life.

I won't be offended if you tell me to stop writing. I just want you to know that I'm not hurting anymore that is all.

Good luck with deciding your future, remember there's no pressure.

Love always,

Clary

* * *

 **A/N: Not sure if I mentioned it but Clary goes to a community college kind of thing, kind of like a Poly Tech (do those still exist) not a proper university. I can't remember if I clarified that or not.**

 **Thank you so much for the patience and all the reviews that I've gotten so far. I have spent most of this month fully rewriting one of my shorter stories so I haven't had time to do chapters for this, bear in mind I do write ahead it just might be a little slower until I catch up to a certain point in the storyline.**

 **Read and Review xxx**


	13. 2nd April

**A/N: Totally forgot that I hadn't updated this week! Whoops! My day was kind of crappy today so I thought I would just write another chapter, this one isn't very long but they seem to be getting longer slowly.**

* * *

Chapter 13: April 2nd

Dear Jace,

I was actually looking forward to a reply from you but unless there's already one on the way I shouldn't get my hopes up about it. I want to know how you are doing, are you and Kaelie still together? I don't really use much social media anymore, I mostly stick to messaging apps like Skype, so I will leave my new number below and maybe we can chat sometime soon.

Things haven't changed a lot since I last wrote, which was like two weeks ago. Except for the fact that I've tried drawing since then, I haven't told anybody about this yet.

God, Jace I couldn't do. My hand isn't the same and I'm so scared, I don't know what to do. If I can't do art I can't do anything. This is killing me and I can't tell anybody because I don't want to be a disappointment. Is this the world fucking me up because of all the shit I've done in my life? I don't want to live in a world where I can't make art, it's a part of me and who I am.

Everybody else thinks that I'm going to try next week after my physical therapy session for it, but I know that it's not going to work and I'm going to get upset and angry.

Sebastian is busy all the time, every time I call him; he's got something he needs to do. It's unfair of me to expect him at my beck and call every hour but sometimes I really need him and he's just not there for me. And every single time that we do have something planned then he will cancel on me last minute for some important thing that's suddenly come up. The worst thing is that I don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to think of the worst because it can't happen to me, not again.

It's probably just me being paranoid.

Recently, I've felt so isolated from everyone. Not just my friends but Valentine and Lillith too. Valentine has some big case and has been working late pretty much every night this week and Lillith is covering an extra shift at the bakery so it's just me on my own half the time. The rest of my friends are studying or going on dates with their significant others.

I hate being alone. There's like this little voice in the back of my head telling me I'm so worthless and there are times that I believe it, maybe if I was worth something than none of this would've happened. You wouldn't have cheated on me and I wouldn't have moved away out of anger and this stupid accident wouldn't have ruined the rest of my life and Camille would still be alive. God I'm so sick of life.

This is my fault. Everything is my fault. Maybe the world is just better without me.

I can't wait to _not_ receive your reply. Again.

Love always,

Clary

* * *

 **A/N: I wanna say that because of the half term that I will be updating more but I'll just see how busy my week will be. I got lots of work to do RIP me X(**


	14. 18th April

**Chapter 14: April 18th**

Dear Jace,

I can't breathe anymore, everything feels so suffocating and I just want out. I'm so tired of everything.

I know what you're thinking, what could possibly happen in such little time to make me feel like that. Well, let me give you a view of what happened since I last wrote to you.

You probably remember my somewhat small breakdown after not being able to draw and paint, well, it turned out that I could manage doing any of it during what was meant to be my last physical therapy session. I was supposed to be able to draw and write all over again but I just couldn't. Everyone looked so excited when I held the pencil in my hand and Jon brought over my brand new sketch book and my headphones so I could draw all over again. But I couldn't.

After I could barely press down the pencil onto the page, I freaked out. Like a major freak out, I threw my pencil and book across the room and practically flipped over the table, I was crying so much I thought I was going to faint of dehydration. Jon had to carry me outside to calm down which took almost three hours for me to stop crying. I'm a failure.

I had to drop out of fine arts because what fucking use am I if I can't even write anymore, Valentine keeps telling me that I'll find something that will eventually interest me, even if it's not art anymore. I can still be an "art appreciator", god, what the fuck what he thinking telling me that. I just got so mad that I could barely function; it was like my body was shutting down, you know?

Since then, I've been forced to go to my Art History lessons, courtesy of Valentine, and after that I just stay home and lie in bed all day. I keep my room locked because no one will stop bugging me, Jon's stopped coming around after I didn't answer the door with him and he's just given up, called me a "selfish bitch" for not opening it. Lillith has just let me be now; if she's feeling nice she will leave out some food at my door so I don't starve to death.

That sounds like a good idea right now.

I don't even know how but I've resorted back to my own ways, it's not as bad as last time though, I promise. You don't have to worry about me. This is just me being an idiot because I'm not getting my way that is what my therapist said the last time I did this right?

Oh and about Sebastian, we haven't spoken since my last letter, after my appointment I sent him a text simply saying "it's over" and he hasn't replied since. Jerk. This is getting tiring, I don't even know why I bother with relationships any more, I obviously keep choosing the wrong guys.

So, this is me saying hey in my downward spiral. Just forget you even heard from me, it should be a feeling that you're pretty used to by now since you've replied to about hmm…. ZERO of my letters.

I just…

I'm sorry

Love always,

Clary

* * *

 **A/N: I hadn't realised I forgot to update this one last week, I actually started editing the wrong chapter so if there are any grammatical mistakes in there I'm sorry.**

 **The next letter is actually going to be an unsent letter so you guys are seeing a side that doesn't get revealed to Jace.**

 **Jace journals are coming very soon as well. I totally love that name, thanks to whoever suggested that.**

 **In the meantime my darlings, read and review xx**


	15. 10th April

Chapter 15: April 10th

 **[UNSENT]**

Dear Jace,

I haven't had the time to send the past few letters; I don't even remember the last time I walked out of this room. If I thought everything was going bad in that last letter then now I'm lying deep under fifty feet of shit.

People have given up, they just don't care about me anymore, they think I'm a waste of their time and not worth trying to fix because let's be honest I will always be broken. Officially, I've dropped out of school, because who the fuck cares about art history anyway? I only took it because I thought it would improve my painting/drawing technique but what's the point if I can't do that now. I spend my days lying in my room, there isn't a lot I can do in my room, I have my laptop which I sometimes email Isabelle on or I have my IPod which I seem to be listening to more and more every day.

Lilith comes upstairs and talks to me through the door, she doesn't try to come inside anymore. I'm scared if she will, if she sees what I look like now, she'll just know. She comes upstairs and talks about Valentine and how he's been a lot more upset now that I'm not around the house anymore, she misses me not trying to steal some of her cupcakes, she even told me Sebastian stopped coming around but apparently he 'misses' me as well. But the thing is: no one but her has told me this, I'm hearing this second hand so should I even believe her?

Eating hasn't been appealing to me right now, I haven't eaten in ages but as far as Lilith is concerned I've eaten every six hours. Everything I do eat, I just go in the bathroom and throw it back up but I'm not worthy of food and the best thing is that I can't even feel the dizzy spells anymore and no one will even notice if I faint.

Technically, I don't have an eating disorder anymore, after I got out of treatment they said I've been 'cured' of anorexia. I remember that day. I went back to school after three months and everyone just knew the truth, I don't even know how the information got around but I went home crying that day and the next week we were moving house and that's how I ended up at the same school as you.

When I first told you about my ED I was so scared you would judge me and wouldn't like me after finding out how fucked up I am in the head, but you didn't. I trusted you and you kept that trust. That is something I will always remember. Maybe that's why I feel so comfortable talking to you, after all that hatred I just had this need to keep telling you everything in my life and deep inside there's a part of me that still trusts you.

I want to hear back from you Jace, please talk to me. Hell, even tell me why you cheated on me, I don't even care anymore can you just TALK to me PLEASE.

You know, I actually forgot what it's like to be happy, the only time I can remember is that week we went to the amusement park sometime last year, god, it feels so long ago. I just want to feel that happiness again. I want to come home.

I need someone to kiss the scars on my wrist and hold me close when I'm having one of my bad days. I need someone to go out in the middle of the night to buy me the biggest tub of ice cream and take out 'The Notebook' because you know I want something to cry to when I'm on my period.

Those were all the things that you did for me

God I miss you

Love always,

Clary

 **[UNSENT]**

 **A/N:**

 **ED stands for eating disorder**

 **So, Clary's downward spiral is occurring :(**

 **Apologies for the late upload, I have had an assessment week and training workshop PLUS work and school and coursework and on top of that I have 2 performances coming up which I still have to learn lines for. URGH**

 **I actually forgot to upload during the week so I think I might just change the schedule to the weekend because it's just so much easier. Thank you for all the reviews that I haven't responded to yet, but thank you anyway xxx**


	16. 6th May

Chapter 16: May 6th

Dear Jace,

Isn't it funny, it's been a year since I first wrote to you that means it's been over a year since we broke up, time does go by fast doesn't it? I haven't sent my last letter to you because it was just a mess; it was just me overreacting as usual. Now I'm not entirely sure what I have and haven't told you but since I wrote my last letter I was put into hospital for a few days for dehydration, I hadn't been eating properly and I managed to skip a few days of eating and Lilith found me in my room unconscious and called the ambulance, that's how I ended up in hospital.

This was about a week back; I've been home for a few days now, under supervision by Valentine and Lilith 24/7 which is going to get old very, very quickly. Apparently, Valentine thinks that me doing that means I've 'slipped back' into my old habits and that message inevitably got passed on to my dear old mother who freaked out on the phone at me talking about me 'not taking care of myself' and wondering if I ever did 'really get better in the first place'. Which is absolute bullshit, she's saying it like I was a car she sent to get fixed after it got into an accident, god, does she not understand how these stuff works?

Of course she doesn't, but she pretends she does, acting like she knows every little thing after a few Google searches which is just pathetic.

I've lost quite a bit of weight by not eating, I mean it's enough weight for me to miss my period this month and that sucks. After being threatened to go back to _that_ place once again, I was reluctant but I agreed to have a nutritionist and a full time therapist to get me back on track, which means gaining weight, I just can't wait for that. (That was sarcasm if you didn't catch that).

Officially, Sebastian have broken up, it wasn't anything bad. I thought he was cheating on me last month but it was just me being me and he just busy between his studies and his work. Thank God I didn't actually accuse him of that. It was just a mutual breakup, he wants me to focus on getting my health back and deciding what I want to study for my life, I guess that he thinks himself of a burden or just someone getting in the way, which is ridiculous. Although, as much as I wouldn't admit it, there wasn't any sort of 'spark' recently, you know what I'm talking about, the little butterflies that comes when you see the one you love or the fluttering your heartbeat makes. I miss it, not going to lie.

I wish I could come back and see how you all are doing, I'm not surprised if you have your room covered in those stupid thick textbooks, you've always been good at studying, starting early with revising was always something I just couldn't do. Senior year is a bitch, don't I know it.

Anyway, I have been looking for more courses to study instead of art; I guess it's something I just have to accept, I'm never going to be an artist. There are some things that I have been interested in like Culinary Arts, which I did for a semester back in sophomore year, or Journalism which has recently caught my eye. What do you think? I have been asking Lilith a little more about Culinary Arts since that was what she studied in France, she is French by the way, and that's why she opened her own bakery, it's just something that she's always enjoyed and took it as a career path.

Although, I might actually take a gap year, take a chance to visit a few places around the world, travelling might be able to make me feel better, lord knows all I need is distance from everyone for a while. It's ironic isn't it? I thought that moving here would be a clean slate for me but all it's actually done is bring out all my demons for me to fight all over again and I'm stuck in this rotation of getting better and falling sick and getting better and falling sick. I'm probably never going to get better permanently.

On the bright side, I haven't self harmed, which was the deciding factor that caused Valentine and Jocelyn to not send me off to the treatment centre.

This letter is just a mess; I can't even comprehend half the things I've written.

Anyway have fun with finals coming up! I know you will just ace them!

Love always,

Clary

* * *

 **A/N: Okay, just to clarify, Clary did not send the last letter to Jace so he doesn't know about the depression she was falling through or the extend she was suffering through all he knows is what is written in this letter.**

 **Which you guys as the reader(s) know a lot more than both of them ;)**

 **I would like to say I've been working to make this longer but I have been pretty lazy on that half, so I'm sticking to the usual 600-1000 word count. Though I hate to admit I was extremely lazy at one point (like chapter 3 or 4) I only wrote 400 words.**

 **I will not be uploading until just after Christmas because I have a lot of work to do and I'm hopefully getting a new laptop!**

 **Read and review xxx**


	17. Jace Journals 2

**A/N: All grammatical and spelling mistakes are completely my fault and I am sorry**

* * *

Jace Journals: Entry 2

Chapter 16: July 7th

Dear Clary,

I wish I was with you right now; I had been catching up on a lot which I why I haven't written in a long while. You know how it is with exams and assignments, but senior year is officially over and I have a scholarship in football. Worth every all-nighter and I'm not only saying that because I practically slept for two weeks straight. It's a bit of a trek though, I'm moving two states over. Guess I've finally got that freedom I spent my life desperately wishing for. Sometimes unwrapped a present is so much more fun that they actual present itself. I need to think about packing up my things now but I can't. I'm going to have to get over that sooner or later.

Those nights that you struggled the most were the toughest that I had ever been through I wasn't even the one going through them. I can't imagine what they were like for you and what they are like now. I wish you would call me from now and again. I guess we just aren't that close anymore. Max misses you a bunch, by the way, he just broke down my bedroom door to tell me that. Personally, I think you fed him too many sweets, Mayrse has banned him from them ever since he got a major sugar high and nearly expelled from school. That's a story for another time and boy will that be a story to make you laugh.

Please eat. I know what you're like when you say your fine with everyone else but then you close the door and hurt yourself. I'm glad you're able to open up to me and I wish you would open up to someone you're closer to.

I hope you liked my present, I know it was at least five months late but it took a while to get. It's a vintage typewriter, I thought that since you like to hand write your letters then the typewriter will give a personal touch that a computer doesn't. I didn't wrap it in case I broke it in the process, the one thing worse than an ancient typewriter is a broken ancient typewriter. It's a pain to look after and write on without making mistakes so if that doesn't work then I also got you a Netflix gift card. Isabelle told me that would work. Her opinion has never failed me before so if you don't like that either you have her to blame not me.

You're always in my thoughts,

Jace

* * *

 **A/N: This school year has gone so quick wow. I started this chapter at least 100 time until I gave up. But I finally found the right words I wanted to express in this story and it's now 12am and I'm shattered. I just took up way too much stuff in this year and it tired me out. But you guys don't need to hear this lol.**

 **Jace journals has finally made a comeback! And there's going to be some more coming up. If and when I get around to writing them. Clary's letters will take a short break for now.**

 **xxx**


	18. 2nd June

**2** **nd** **June**

Dear Jace,

Letters really are an old pastime, aren't they? I've been trying to find the right words for such a long time that I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore, maybe I'm thinking about it too much. I often wonder if it's a waste trying to talk to you, you never talk back. How am I supposed to know that you even read these? But here I am anyway, typing up this letter after making a dozen drafts beforehand.

An update on my life? It's going fine. I mean as fine as it could be.

My hand isn't as bad as it was, but still not as great as it could be, physical therapy has been a bitch but I've worked my way through them. I've tried out a couple of things outside of art that peaked my interest for a while but alas none of them compares to my passion for Art. My life won't be the same without me constantly drawing and painting and making a gigantic mess that I pass of as art. Maybe I'll own a gallery like my mom. Who knows?

I've broken up with Sebastian, that was a long time coming. I mean he's a cool guy but he's just not the guy with me. Lord knows he's had to deal with more of me than he signed up for and I should be grateful and all that but there's just no spark anymore, you know? I can't even completely say there was a spark in the first place, maybe the only reason I liked him was because he liked me. Like a pity crush, kinda. Or maybe that's a little harsh.

My treatment is going okay. I try some of the time, I try to be healthy person, I try to get better, but it's so hard. It's more effort than I want to give and if I'm not ready to work for it than why should I bother. My weight is fine – it's decent enough to not be under suspicion and I get weighed pretty much every morning. I haven't had the strong desire to kill myself so I'm okay. No, I should even joke about it.

I'm sorry I don't mean to be so rude and annoying sometimes, I mean that's got to be why you're not reading my letters, right? I can't think of any other reason that you are ignoring these. I mean I forgave you isn't that enough?

I never needed you like I do right now.

Love always,

Clary

* * *

 **in the middle of my exam i thought about this story**

 **so here it a chapter after a long ass time**

 **oops**


	19. 16th June

16th June

Dear Jace,

I'm so bored today because I have nothing left to do. All my friends are in the middle of their exams and I assume you are too because this is just the time for exams, which sucks because it's the one of the best months in the year and it's been ruined by stupid exams. Who wants to go outside and _actually have fun_ when you could sit inside a library with your head hunched over a book.

I have been in and out of the hospital a couple of times for check-ups and whatnot, as the time in May wasn't enough, the doctor there absolutely hates me and thinks I'm just some snobby kid who treats eating disorders as the newest 'trend', holy shit she's annoying and she doesn't tell me anything, practically refusing to talk to me and only talks to whatever parent is with me at the time. Lilith came with me to my last appointment and they told her that if I lost any more weight then I'm going to have to be sectioned again, back to the hell hole in my terms. Lilith thinks I'm doing okay, for my own pace and I can tell she has alarms going off in her head but she's trying to play it cool.

I know what you're thinking, why don't you just eat normally Clary? And it's a question that everyone, and I mean _everyone,_ has been asking me. It's not like I don't want to eat, I do and I do eat a certain amount but it's more like that I can't eat, there's a difference. It's as if it's the only control that I have in the world and maybe it's all that I have left, I just to have this feeling of satisfaction again. You know, I had everything this time 18 months ago, I had the greatest friends, a boyfriend, an aspiring art career and my world was perfect but since then everything has just gone downhill from there.

Jocelyn has been coming down a lot more to keep an eye on my, though she claims it's just for support. Jeez, I don't need babysitting, I'm not a child. She's been doing hovering and I just want her to stop but how can I say that?

You'd be surprised what happens in less than a month.

Sorry the for the rant and I wish you the best of luck for your exams – I know you'll ace them!

Love always,

Clary


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